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Submit your introductory paragraph with thesis statement in the comment box below.
Also, comment on three of your peers' paragraphs.
Remember to add your name to all four posts in order to receive credit for this assignment.
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Summer time can bring joy to many of us for many reasons, for example enjoying the beach, pool parties, vacations etc. but for many others it can also be a time that reminds us of society’s ‘beach body ready ‘subjective standards. In 2015 a self-proclaimed ‘premium online health store’ was involved in one of the biggest advertising gaffes. According to The Telegraph this ad caused one of the largest controversies of 2015 due to its strive to portray of what a woman’s body should resemble; prompting it to be named one of the worst advertisements of the year. In this essay we will analyze how women perceive “body shaming” as well as how advertising can significantly impact self-image.
ReplyDeleteDolly L Moreno
Great intro! Just watch how you use the punctuation marks, like in the first sentence. Watch how and where you use the commas.
DeleteMiriam Soto
Really good intro, and your information is spot on. This is something I would like to read.
DeleteRene Andrade
Your intro grabbed my attention and made me want to learn more. I also like that you picked a topic that is a hot topic in today's society. I agree with watching your punctuation, commas can be tricky.
DeleteMat Logston
Your intro was amazing and very well planned out.It is very clear on what you are writing about.
DeleteErick Resendez
Good introduction paragraph, thus I recommend removing " In this essay we will...", we read your intro, and pretty much we know what the essay is going to be about. Another thing I noticed is that your advertisement is from 2015, and in the visual analysis essay instructions it says it needs to be from 2016 list.
DeleteMauricio Cordero
Really good intro! You did really well with transitions making it easier to read. I would get rid of your announcement, when you said "in this essay we will analyze". You grabbed my attention. I agree with Mat, with it being such a hot topic you can really push the boundaries more. Great job!
DeleteI really how your paragraph grabbed my attention and made me want to read on other that making that announcement in the last paragraph it looks good!
DeleteOmar Avila
This was a good introduction. The two topics chosen were clear and was effectively used to engage the reader to think.
DeleteThe Thinx advertisement, through genital representation, is an attempt to sell highly absorbent panties as a replacement for panty-liners. It is composed of minimal copy and a peeled, partially sectioned grapefruit photograph to depict female genitalia. The advertisement appeals to the audience value of cleanliness and their aspiration for an increase in positive female representations in a social context. Though graphic, the 2015 Thinx ad is a window into audience aspirations and values.
ReplyDeleteAndrew Hughes
This sounds more informative and descriptive than an intro paragraph. Plus, i dont see your thesis statement clearly.
DeleteMiriam Soto
I have to agree with Miriam on this one. It is very descriptive but your thesis is missing. Great information, though.
DeleteRene Andrade
I agree with the lack of thesis also. Tell us why you are writing about this particular ad and what we should expect if we read further.
DeleteMat Logston
All you need is a great thesis and will be better. It is very informative and gives a nice visual understanding.
DeleteErick Resendez
I'm in agreement with the group. Great job on providing a very descriptive and informative background for the product itself, but it is lacking a thesis sentence in order to inform the readers on what to expect in the essay.
DeleteDolly L Moreno
Fully concur with others. Just wanted to know why you chose this topic? just curious
DeleteWith the introduction of VR devices this year, companies such as HTC, Sony, Facebook, and other advertisement companies, had begun making plans to use these devices to perfect consumer experiences and attract even more sales. There are still speculations about these devices, for example how long can a person use it before feeling nauseous or sick and on the plus side, if it is possible for the devices to help with treatment of eliminating phobias and brain functions. The VR will hit stores at the beginning of next year, and we wonder if it will be the game changer for the business world.
ReplyDeleteRene Andrade
I think you need a more clear thesis here. You didn't talk enough about what we should expect if we read on. Maybe include your stance on the topic.
DeleteMat Logson
I dont see your thesis very clear. The second sentence can be split into two sentences because you are emphazising two things at the same time. Great pick though!
DeleteMiriam Soto
Explain why you think VR could disrupt the business world.
DeleteAndrew Hughes
Thesis still not very clear. Can you elaborate further?
DeleteHow can you combine glamour and hygiene in one bottle? Certainly, the esthetic side of people is fundamental for their personality, especially in women who love to invest in cosmetics. Fragrances is a great example for women’s investment. How nice is it to perceive from a distance the enchanting essence of a women’s perfume. But, that’s not all, a clean fragrant woman starts with a clean fragrant house. Next, we will analyze Moschino’s Fresh’s ad, an unusual representation of its perfume and how this ad shows that our society has turned into a visual-oriented society that is attracted by the way things look.
ReplyDeleteMiriam Soto
Very nice intro love the way you used your words in the right way. It catches the readers attention to want to keep reading to see what more there is to learn about the ad.
DeleteErick Resendez
Interesting intro.
DeleteRemove announcements, you want to keep your readers intrigued.
Write more about Moschino's fresh's ad in your introduction.
Great use of transitions to draw in the reader.
DeleteAndrew Hughes
Tremendous use of sentence. good topic
DeleteWould love to continue reading. Great
DeleteA bit of a more detailed advertisement description would help.
DeleteOmar Avila
Great introduction. I personally found this topic quite interesting. A little more description would not hurt your introduction.
DeleteRene Andrade
Great thesis in this paragraph, it grabs the audience's attention. You should talk a little more about your second topic as well.
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ReplyDeleteThe NHS is a National Health Service in England which provides free healthcare for most of its legal residents in the United Kingdom. The NHS was launched in 1948 with the idea that good healthcare should be available to all regardless if your wealthy or poor. It is mainly funded by the general taxation system that is set put in England. The NHS created the anti-smoking ad to help prevent harm to its citizens that can come from smoking. The creative directors of this ad are Nick Bird, and Lee Smith, while the photographer was Nick Georghiou. The ad agency in charge of this ad titled MAN was done by the Dare agency. Advertising is a powerful source in today’s society, by influencing consumers to make certain decisions.
ReplyDeleteErick Resendez
You can use parentheses for National Health Services, it sounds better in my opinion. Double check punctuation, some commas are missing and some are not supposed to be there. Double check your spelling also, change "your" to "you are" or "you're".
DeleteI suggest you put the full title of the NHS followed by the abbreviation.
DeleteAndrew Hughes
Who doesn’t crave a big juicy hamburger from McDonald’s? What people don’t realize is what lies behind a big juicy hamburger. In an online article titled “If Fast Food Restaurants Marketed Truthfully” by an author named “Tyler”, the author exposes what lies behind fast food restaurants and its fast food offered. He describes what ingredients are used to make fast food, such as hamburgers, shakes, and salads.
ReplyDeleteMauricio Cordero
This is a good start, just put your last two sentences together.
DeletePrentice Tillman
I like how you started your intro with a question. Great start. I recommend broadening the vocabulary a bit more and maybe adding more "build up" to your thesis.
DeleteGreat topic. I would recommend providing a clearer and smoother transition into the thesis sentence.
DeleteDolly L Moreno
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeletePoint out some examples of the lies behind fast food
DeleteI like how you started out the introduction, because you grabbed mine and others attention with the first sentence. Who doesn't like to get a hamburger from Mcdonald's. They are delicious and it is good that you are exposing them for how bad their ingredients are. It's a awesome topic but it would be nice to add examples of some other fast food restaurants.
DeleteRaul Hidalgo
In 1932 Ole Kirk Kristiansen created the legendry toy brand, LEGO, which most kids love and enjoy. The company is almost 80 years old and it comes from a unique background. The name “LEGO” is an abbreviation of two words that are Danish, “leg godt”, which means, “ Play well”. The company has also passed from father to son and is now own by a grandchild of the founder. Lego’s slogan is “Just imagine” insisting that through their toys a child’s imagination comes true. Lego’s are the building blocks for children’s imagination throughout their childhood.
ReplyDeletePrentice Tillman
I like your last sentence to your intro. I think that's a great thesis. I recommend a more creative opening sentence and then dive into the background of Legos. I think it came off to informative from the jump start. If you have a really creative open sentence that ties it together, it will sound great. Great start!
DeleteI think its a great start in the introduction. Everyone knows about lego, but no everyone knows the year it was made. It sounds really great, but I think it might have a bit too much detail. I like how you added the slogan and explained it. It is true that these legos can help expand a child's imagination. The intro sounds awesome.
DeleteRaul Hidalgo
Life is about living. Life is more than just a job and bills; it is about experience. It is about living to the fullest and not coasting with fear and regrets. The fear of commitment can involve many life changing decisions. Have you ever made a commitment to enhance your lifestyle; whether it was going back to school, or starting a new diet? Equinox fitness brand is best known for their controversial campaign ads to show that people commit to all kinds of pursuits. They teamed up in 2016 with fashion photographer Steven Klein to produce controversial topics such as breast feeding, activism and sexuality. In a world where the majority people lack some sort of commitment in life, whether with relationships, fitness, life goals, it is trying to get you to get up and COMMIT to enrich your life.
ReplyDeleteStephanie West
Great job! Awesome introduction, and very intriguing. I would definitely be interested in reader more.
DeleteDolly L Moreno
Great topic. Its very relatable
DeleteI really like how you started out this introduction. It is really good and anyone can be related to it. It is definitely a great topic that i would further read into. The last sentence is a good thesis to end with too.
DeleteRaul Hidalgo
Excellent introduction. Very clear and the point is understood very ckearly.
DeleteTechnolgy is dynamic in the current society we are living in. So, how can we keep up with the current changes that are taking place in order to remain compliant? We need to be checking websites, written articles, schools and fellow peers to check on what new information is out there that we might need to know. Getting information from different sources, helps us to combine all and put them to test. By doing so, we won't be left behind with the technological advancement. I still wonder how people who don't have access to the new information cope with life if there is no one to assist them?
ReplyDeletea good idea would be if you could elaborate more on the ad you plan to write about.
DeleteOmar Avila
“Dress for Success”. Many have heard this throughout life. It indicates that if one dresses sophisticated that they will succeed in life. It is unfortunate that people are judged and by what they look like on the outside, but it is a reality that society has come to terms with. The difference in ages and how fashion has changed over the years also has a bearing on how a person is perceived, and how they perceive others. Older generations prefer their suits more fitted and tailored, while the younger generations have migrated more to the more relaxed, loose fit of suits. Through two advertisements depicting men varying in age in different style suites, we will examine how difference age groups perceive these men based on their outer appearance.
ReplyDeleteMat Logston
#Womennotobjects is a campaign company founded by Madonna Badger. The company was created to cease the sexist way women are being used in advertisements. Women over the decades have been used for the selling of merchandise, products, and food. So when we look at these ads we immediately feel nothing, other than, maybe hungry or the need to want to purchase the item advertised. Simply because America glorifies the wrong things in the poor and jaded way. Has the question ever arose to why women are objectified or overly feminized for the sale? Women are meant to be sexy, strong and the object of lust, advertisement companies know this as a fact. Sex sales, women sale sex, and the world drinks it up.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting topic and seems like a good read. Does the last sentence mean to say sex sells instead of sales? Very good paragraph though!
DeleteThis is a very controversial subject, you hit it right on the head. Advertisement for women have drastically changed in the years and many people would argue otherwise. Great topic.
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ReplyDeleteThis is the latest iteration of one of the most popular and best-selling phones out right now, the IPhone SE. Since first being introduced to the world in 2007, the iPhone has been at the top of the best-selling phones. When it first came out in completely turned the phone industry on its head and almost every phone manufacturer tried to copy its design. One of the reasons the phone is popular I because of how easy and simple it is to use compared to its main competitors. The simplicity of the product is also reflected on the ads of the iphone. The ads are simple just showing a picture of the phone over a plain background with the name of the phone. People want everything easier and simpler and ads are a good way to demonstrate how we want things directly pointed out and want the point across right away.
Omar Avila
Not owning an Iphone, I believe you introductory paragraph is an excellent one. Your description of the ease and simplicity in using the iPhone is convincing for someone to switch from the phone they own to the iphone. Excellent introductory paragraph in my opinion
DeleteEquinox is a fitness brand dedicated to a commitment that people overlook. Their slogan "Commit to something--It's not fitness. It's life", is their way of letting people know that their way of letting people know that their brand is their lifestyle that rhey commit to. Fitness is not taken lightly so they want their audience to know that they are dedicated to being fit.
ReplyDeleteAdvertisement throughout the years have drastically changed. Smoking cigarettes have always been coined a dangerous addiction, but will the American people recognize the warning? In the 1900’s when tobacco was first advertised, there was a sense of popularity with smoking. Everyone was doing it, or trying it out cigarettes. Years later, when you go buy a pack of smokes, it will be accompanied with a nasty advertisement. Will that really change the smoker’s mind?
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